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Me, in deep shit

Good at digging myself in, too fat and lazy to dig myself out.  So I loathe the life I have cultivated for myself. 
I am poor.  So why did I buy a 500 phone at full price?  From MY cell company of all places, so it's obviously a piece of crap.  It'd be a great phone if it didn't keep powering itself off.  Or I guess it's powering off.  The screen goes black and won't turn back on until I remove the battery.
Taking it back to the store tomorrow.


So far I am not enjoying having a roommate.  I do like the companionship certainly.  It is nice having someone at home besides my puppy.  And overall I like hanging out with him.  But there's alot of little things I don't get.  Like why am I the only person who can load/ unload the dishwasher, or sweep and mop the floor or scrub the downstairs bathroom toilet?  I mean, I am trying very hard not to dirty up our common areas, so I try to promptly unload the dishwasher so that we can put dirty dishes into that rather than piling them in the sink, and then when the dishwasher is full we can run it.  Makes it easier.  Logical thinking, right?  So why is it that his plates, bowls, cups, utensils, whatever, always find their food covered way into the kitchen sink?  And rather than see them sit there for days (and they would sit there for days, I've tested it) I end up rinsing them off and load the dishwasher myself.    And I don't get why the plates with food on them find their way into the sink WITHOUT the garbage disposal.  Is it because he isn't the person that gets to scrape  the mushy old food out of the drain so it won't get clogged?  
The thing is I wouldn't care about this so much if he at least handled the trash.  I don't understand the logic in piling the garbage up til it overflows the trash can.  And we don't have curbside pickup.  So I end up pulling out the full trashbag, dragging it outside where I have to load it into my car and drive it down to the dumpsters because they pretty far away.  I usually do this when I'm on my way out.  I have a full trash bag in the kitchen now, all tied up and ready to go out.  Yet somehow he leaves about a half hour before he needs to be at work and the trash bag is still sitting there.  Like it's my job to take it out.  Meanwhile there are three overflowing trashcans outside that have been there since before I moved in.  They are too big to put in my car, and only one of them has wheels.  I sprained my ankle and it is still giving me problems (still swollen, still very sore) but I guess I'm going to have to be the one to limp all the way down to the dumpsters with these things, back and forth cause I can only take one trashcan at a time, because he can't possibly do it.  Once I get down there I don't know how I'm going to lift the largest one so I can dump it, but I'm tired of overflowing trashcans full of months old garbage just sitting there.  And after doing that my ankle will be good and throbby, just in time for me to dust and sweep and mop the floors, because he doesn't do that either.
And the thing that really, really, really gets me is how hard is it put things back where you got them from?  Because there are two of us it just makes it easier to have a place for everything to keep things orderly, which we do, but for some reason he finds it impossible to put the stuff back.  I mean, we went through everything in all the cabinets and the closests downstairs and made places for everything so that we could be organized.  To make it easier to clean because we both hate doing it.
Oh, and I HATE cleaning.  But I am sharing a space now so I am making a real effort to keep things orderly.  Even when I'm too depressed to move and all I want to do is sleep, or I am in pain, I make the effort.  Which I guess is why this all really irks me.  I'm not being paid the same courtesy. 


I am going crazy.


I would give anything to be happy.  Yes I moved in with one of my closest and dearest friends, and I am moving towards money no longer being an issue, but I just feel so grim.  For starters I loathe my job.  I am not at work today simply because I was crying because I had to go in again, as I do 5 days a week and have done for over 3 years now.  I know I need the money, and maybe I should be grateful that I make as much as I do for such an easy job.  And it is easy.  I have actually helped customers while being partially unconcious.  Because it doesn't take much thought to have someone take the battery out of their phone, or walk someone through a bit of programming that you do at least 10 times a day every day.  I don't even know what day of the week it is most times as nothing changes from day to day.
Also, I still feel alone.  I know all the bullshit about not needing a relationship to be happy and etc, etc, but every day I grow older and it becomes less and less likely that I will ever find the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.    I haven't even been on a date in almost  a year.  And realistically I haven't met anyone that I WANT to date. 
I shouldn't just be lying here I know, as long as I'm off work I should finish unpacking my room, and do my weekly cleaning since all the boxes and things are gone, but there's something so appealing about just curling up and going back to sleep where none of this crap matters that really appeals to me right now.

Oct. 26th, 2008

It isn't fair that I have to be the one to say goodbye, and curl up alone with my tears.

You're old

The boy that I dated for three years just got married.  Never said he loved me when we dated, got down on one knee or whatever and proposed to someone. 
I've been over him for some time so it doesn't hurt.  But it makes me feel kinda like once again how come I'm never the one.  I've just kind of given up on ever hearing someone tell me they love me and mean it.  I mean, it's only been what, five years?  And I can't really believe my husband loved me, I mean, for god's sake he was boning other women even when we were dating. 
I haven't dated in a while but I don't really see the point.  We're a couple for a hot minute, he gets bored, wanders off, and professes his undying love for someone else.  Meanwhile I'm getting older, poorer, and fatter.  Really I don't have anything to offer anyone anyway.

Because I keep secrets

Because I am wise enough to know when not to butt in.  I listen, I nod, I sympathize, and I keep my thoughts to myself, because no one wants to hear the whole truth really.  I don't doubt people do anything different with me.  I know people think I should stop talking to him.  I think that I should stop talking to him as well.  He's done terrible things to me, historically on purpose and currently rather absent mindedly.  It's not uncommon for people you've had feelings for to forget that since they don't have any for you.  And if I was a saint I wouldn't think it was terrible that this person feels I am a close enough friend to confide in me.
But I am not a saint.  I am a woman who let herself believe.  Believe that maybe, maybe this one would actually turn out to be the one if I just let down my guard, opened up my heart and let go.  This was of course in retrospect STUPID BEYOND ALL REASON, and my inner jaded bitch has not yet let me live that one down.  She also thinks that I should very firmly grasp him by the balls and give them a good, hard squeeze, adding pressure until he finally crumples up in tears, and then whisper in his ear "This is how I feel when you confide in me about the issues you are having with the woman you left me for".  My inner bitch feels no sympathy.  She thinks that I offered him something wonderful and instead he chose this.  She clucks her tongue and says he got what he asked for.
I, on the other hand, feel bad for him.  I'm not willing to settle for less than something wonderful and I wanted to share that with him.  I won't pretend we would never have our own rough times but he'd be happy more than unhappy.  He'd succeed at what he wants in life with me beside him.  Instead he's wondering why his finances are being drained one day, and the next telling me about how they needed to get insurance for HER car because SHE let the coverage lapse before they were even a couple, how they need to fix her car, how they need to straighten out stuff with her license, about how she needs rides around town, about how the dog she bought on impulse (and anytime you decide to finance a dog it is an impulse buy BTW, it is a living breathing soul and should not be treated like a layaway item, and thanks for helping out those puppy mills) needs this or that, and all the while the money for this is coming out of his pocket, but he honestly can't figure out why he can't make ends meet?  You are a single male making 50000 a year.  Your car is paid for and you live in a one bedroom apartment that has one piece of new furniture in it.  And you were doing fairly well up until... hmm, when did you guy sstart dating?
Wow.  I have to admit that probably didn't make much sense but it was a huge relief to type it all out since I'm not allowed to say it.  I want to so badly but I've known this person long enough to know it would fall on deaf ears and chalk it up to jealousy.  I'm really not.  And he would never believe that because I very obviously still have feelings for him which I freely admit to everyone but him.  I am also old enough and wise enough to know that although I do care I do not want a relationship beyond friendship with him.  Since I'm being completely truthful I want to find the love of my life and no matter how much I care for him he is not that.  Even if he did have feelings for me he wouldn't be able to give me what I want and be what I need.  And feelings do not equal the kind of love that will withstand all of life's trails and tribulations.


Why, why, why, why, why?!?

Listening is harder than it looks

You don't really listen to me.  You don't really care about me.  You never did and you never will.  


So I've done it.  I've picked up and moved away from Waynesboro.  This first week has been wonderful.  But now I have to go back to work.  I cannot tell you how upset I am.  I'm depressed and on the verge of curling up and dissolving into tears.  I don't want to go back.  I despise that place.  I can't even delude myself into thinking somehow things will be better.  



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